Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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