I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
