Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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