wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
