i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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