Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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