sarcasm needs its own font
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
