What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
