The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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