ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
