dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
