I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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