why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
