Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
