He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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