Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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