me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
