Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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