its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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