I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
