you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
