Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
