I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
His hands were made for my vagina.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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