He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
