Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
third nipple confirmed
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
