I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
