for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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