I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
