It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
