i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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