I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
