everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Randomize
