Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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