I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize