Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Operation Purity has been aborted
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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