fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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