fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
