i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
