my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize