So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
