I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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