Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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