dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
