happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
