Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
