...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
if only i could text you this smell
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
