I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
