You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
