Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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