I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
