party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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