She said her name was "party"
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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