Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
